Things You Need To Know..

You know how "they" say...babies don't come with a handbook?? Well, 6 1/2 years in to my parenting adventure i have decided that is a terrible injustice to parents everywhere. I realize that there is no way to make a handbook on every little thing you will deal with. However, i think there are a few things that should be shared with you before you ever leave the hospital with that brand new squishy bundle of joy. We experienced one such thing last night. Now this was not out first encounter with this horror they call croup, but it never really gets less scary. And according to all the websites and all the doctors it really isn't that big of a deal. One of those things that sounds and looks a lot worse than it actually is. And is fairly common in young children. For those of you who don't know what this "croup" stuff is, let me just share with you the good time that it is....

Your kid is just fine all day. Running. Playing. Laughing. You go through the same 400 stall tactics at bed time and finally all is quiet. You sit on the couch watching all your favorite tv shows before going to bed later than you probably should. But, you think, "the kids all sleep through the night now, it will be fine to stay up a little later tonight" So you finally get in bed and settle in to that just before sound sleep just after consciousness state and all of the sudden you hear it. A seal. Coming from your kids room. And from the sounds of it, this seal is very agitated. You jump up and run in the room where you find your child sitting up and terrified because they "can't breathe". And truly it does not sound like they can. Every breath in and out sounds like a harsh, raspy, whooping, gasping sound. Then they cough and it sounds just like a barking seal which is all fine and good coming from a seal but extremely disturbing coming from your child who seems to be struggling for each breath.

Let me pause here for a moment to take a poll. How many of you might find it useful to have just a little understanding of why your kid sounds like a seal has jumped down his throat in the midst of the episode? If you are like me, which i acknowledge the fact that i am quite....well lets just say "overly cautious"..., running to the computer to "google it" is not the first thing that comes to mind. My first thoughts are "get me an ambulance NOW my baby can't breathe!!!!!" Luckily, God saw fit to give me a more level-headed partner for this journey of parenthood and i don't actually call for an ambulance every single time we have what I would call a "medical emergency"!! (In my defense, i just want to get to a place where there are people who are actually trained to know how to fix whatever the problem is because i know that i have no idea)

Back to the story. We left off in our kids room wondering if and why they can't breathe. And something about a seal. So friends, if you have indeed heard of croup and the symptoms you know that it is okay to stay calm. You know that the appropriate action is to take your child straight to the bathroom and run the shower as hot as you can with the door shut so they can breathe in the steam while you try and calm them down as the crying is just making the symptoms worse. (pretty sure i just broke some kind of run-on sentence rule with that one) After several minutes in the steamy bathroom, breathing seems possible again for both your child and yourself. You may even take this opportunity to google 'croup' to refresh yourself on the facts. Now it is time for everyone to get back to bed. To one bed. Because you (and by "you" i mean "I") can't sleep in a separate room that is wayyyy (directly) across the hall. What if he needs me? So mom, dad, and squiggly wiggly little man get back in mom and dads bed for a night of something somewhat short of sleep. And then it is morning. All things seem better in the morning when your pediatricians office is open!

So fellow parents and parents to be. Since kids do in fact come with no handbook, i would highly recommend putting croup on your list of things to "google" before you actually encounter it. While i am sure my accounts of our encounter have been extremely insightful, i feel it necessary to clarify that i am no doctor. askdrsears.com is one of my favorite websites for info on illnesses and medicines. Check it out...might save yourself a trip to the ER in the middle of the night!

Thinking of having a baby??? Do this 11-Step Program First

This is a re-post of a friends re-post of a friend. I don't know who actually wrote it so i can't give credit. But, it gave me a good laugh so i thought i would share!!

Lesson 1

1. Go to the grocery store.

2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.

3. Go home.

4. Pick up the paper.

5. Read it for the last time.

Lesson 2

Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their...

1. Methods of discipline.

2. Lack of patience.

3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.

4. Allowing their children to run wild.

5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior.

Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.

Lesson 3

A really good way to discover how the nights might feel...

1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner)

2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.

3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.

4. Set the alarm for 3AM.

5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial.

6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.

7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.

8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.

9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive)

Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.

Lesson 4

Can you stand the mess children make? To find out...

1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.

2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.

3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.

4. Then rub them on the clean walls.

5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.

6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

Lesson 5

Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.

1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.

2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.

Time allowed for this - all morning.

Lesson 6

Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don't think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that.

1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.

Leave it there.

2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.

3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.

4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Lesson 7

Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice). If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Lesson 8

1. Hollow out a melon.

2. Make a small hole in the side.

3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.

4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.

5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.

6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.

You are now ready to feed a nine- month-old baby.

Lesson 9

Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street , Barney, Disney, the Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney channel or Noggin for at least five years. (I know, you're thinking What's 'Noggin'?) Exactly the point.

Lesson 10

Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying 'mommy' repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each 'mommy'; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Lesson 11

Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the 'mommy' tape made from Lesson 10 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.